| 6 April, 2009 |
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. I fell asleep reading a dull book and dreamed I kept on reading, so I awoke from sheer boredom. Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher, Marriage: a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose. One should never know too precisely whom one has married. Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. The more he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons. Psychoanalysts are father confessors who like to listen to the sins of the father as well. My motto is: Contented with little, yet wishing for more. Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain. Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than on all other days of the year put together. This proves, by the numbers left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so. Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. Where desire writhed there stands a stone; the change was sudden and complete. Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves. The first kiss is stolen by the man; the last is begged by the woman. Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. I have never found in a long experience of politics that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. A sign of celebrity is that his name is often worth more than his services. Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. Who begins too much accomplishes little. As an anti-American, I thank you for your rotten article devoted to my person. A painter should not paint what he sees but what should be seen. When my love swears that she is made of truth, I do believe her, though I know she lies. Man is only man at the surface. Remove the skin, dissect, and immediately you come to machinery. Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god. Self is the only prison that can bind the soul. Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows. All professions are conspiracies against the laity. Nothing to me is more distasteful than that entire complacency and satisfaction which beam in the countenances of a newly married couple. Foolish writers and readers are created for each other. The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket. Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast. I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. Politicians are the same the world over: they promise to build a bridge even when there is no river. If the Prince of Peace should come to earth, one of the first things he would do would be to put psychiatrists in their place. Progress might have been all right once, but it went on too long. He that respects himself is safe from others. He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce. The trouble with my wife is that she is a whore in the kitchen and a cook in the bed. No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks. |
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