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It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I don\'t want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

Should I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I am at two with nature.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.

I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, and receives new truth as an angel from Heaven.

It\'s not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

Basically my wife was immature. I\'d be at home in the bath and she\'d come in and sink my boats.

Thought Why does man kill He kills for food. And not only food frequently there must be a beverage.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

As the poet said, Only God can make a tree -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I\'m astounded by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

If only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Townes.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.